I think this email written to my best friend sums up my current status (some parts ommited of course):


"I'm happy to know you're good. =) I, on the other hand, haven't had a decent drinking session for a while now. Trying not to aggrevate my sickness. It's hard though. I really need a de-stresser, a decent chance to unwind. *sigh* It's nice to DD huh. I was always the DD. Designated DRINKER, DANCER, and DRIVER! =P

Awesome, you get some travelling action. Make a run for me. Snowboarding here is butt expensive, plus I don't have any of my gear, so it wouldn't be the same. Maybe I'll go next season. Make sure to have lots of fun and maybe get some work done here and there, hehe. No need to meet any of your boys. I'm sure you have great taste in men. Finally, you're having some fun. I hated seeing you in that rut you were in. Next time you see Mr. Jarrod, say hi for me.

(so this part of the email is kinda deep cuz i'm straight venting. i apoligize in advance.)

Haha, alone time. Sometimes it's good for personal healing and reflection. Shit, I get so much fucking alone time too. Not until I left did I realize I was stuck in my own fucking rut as well. Everyone here tells me that people come to Japan because they're running away from something. I denied it at first, but the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that there was something I needed to get away from. I think you already know was it is. It's so painful to deny myself, but even more painful to acknowledge my problem. Yeah, I did take that route of leaving everything behind, as well as everything and everyone that I love, but everytime I take a step back to look at the bigger picture, I'm slowly seeing that I wouldn't have recognized nor realized how much I needed to change and how better things could be, how much better life could be. Only now is it hitting me that I would have never seen it. Why was I so fucking ignorant? Was I too convident? I think that was part of it. I'm happy, no, more like JEALOUS that you were able to align your sights, your goals at home, without leaving, and for that reason, I feel that in that respect, you're stronger than me. I wish my realization could've came at home, but hey, to each his/her own right? I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I don't believe that I'm here now, alone in a fucking foreign country, if it wasn't to better myself. Experience the culture is just an extra benefit, icing on the damn cake, the cherry on top, a fucking bonus. You're right, it is a balance. Follow God's signs. I must've taken a correct turn somewhere too, and although it lead me away for a bit, I'm feeling more and more that am going down the right path. I miss church. I miss the accessibility. I miss so many things I used to take for granted. It's been, what, a whole month!? Yeah, not so long, but damn, I only know and see now that I too was in a comfort zone, a bubble that was so necessary to burst open. Do your thing girl. Fuck it up. I already know you're MORE than capable. You have my utmost confidence. Your success is inevitable.

In a weird sense, I\'m right there with you. To be honest, I never really thought coming here would be all that fun. Everyone said ohhhh, how fun, you\'re gonna be living in Japan. I just nodded and shit. But pssh, yeah! I\'m not gonna be on vacation! My honest expectations was that it\'s going to be hard. Away from all that\'s comfortable. Making new friends. Learning a new job. Building a reputation. Building a career. I already knew I was going to have to start from scratch once again, and all in a language that\'s not one of my own. And yeah, so far, it\'s been all I\'ve expected. I may have masked it at first, but that\'s because I didn\'t want you to worry, though you probably know it\'s nothing I can\'t handle. So fuck, let\'s do it. Show them what you got, and I\'ll be doing the same over here. I\'ll meet u at 27. LOL.

(ok, sorry u had to really all that shit, haha, i\'m ok though, really ^_^)

I miss Bill. I miss all the advice. I miss you too. I hella miss the fam. I miss everyone. I binged yesterday and bought $200 worth of american DVDs just b/c I wanted a feeling of "home." Haha, I pussied out in that sense but I gotta keep sane somehow. I know exactly how you feel about *****. I\'m meeting people like her here as well. Sadly, the same types of people exist globally. You\'re right, you shouldn\'t let yourself be pulled down as well. As for your sister, she\'s going through crisis right now. She\'s been asking for advice constantly. Her situation is rough, but I\'m sure you know. I dunno, what do you think?

Omg, u took Joy "clubbing." Hahaha, we ARE getting old. We\'re gonna be 24. Scary. At least it\'s my favorite #. \u003d) And don\'t forget, 2006 is the year of the dog! Our power year!

Nice gie! Pilates. Losing all the jelly? Haha. Never hurts to add sexy to your cuteness. ^_~ I\'m joining a gym here. Expensive as fuck though, almost $90 a month but I feel it\'s worth it. I\'ve already lost 5kg since I\'ve been here. That\'s roughly 11 pounds. I think it\'s a combination of my new diet, the unanimously smaller portions, and being stressed and sick. The gym would be good for me. Bet I\'ll be sexier, hehehe.\n",1]

yeah, it's gonna be sad so see your place go. It's so fucking nice. If you do move, don't forget to tell me, cuz I'm "moving" too, hehe. Crazy how everyone's doing their own thing. I'm already considering my future as well. The thought of coming back and completing a master's has crossed my mind repeatedly. Just food for thought I guess. What do u think?

Haha, fucking asshole. But what are you gonna do. Unfortunately, assholes are part of this world too, haha. Why don't u just put on the old attenae for now? I'll get u a new S2000 attenae so don't bother buying a new one.

Like I said, I miss church. Didn't even get to go to mass for Easter. Don't think there's a Catholic church anywhere around here. Religion in general is not that big in Japan. I talked to my mom and I knew she was sick too. Btw, how was your Easter?

Currently, I am feeling a bit better but I really wish this sickness would pass. It's fucking annoying and hindersome. Hope you're taking care and enjoying yourself. =)

miss u bf
nel

PS, join myspace to see japan pics or use ur sister's login. I'll do my best to update. there's some boring video on there too."

*sigh*

Currently: at war with myself...
(it's really hard to tell who's winning)

I'm glad people are rooting for me. lol.

So the week is finally over! WOOHOO! Can't describe how relieved I am. Today went well, like expected. Saturdays are my full days, but they have always gone well. After work, checked out a place I've never been to called Gusto with Judy and Kazuhi. It was decent b/c it had a drink bar. Most places don't refill ur drink so I usually appreciate anyplace w/an all u can drink type deal. Happily afterwards, met some friends at Lion's Head pub, which was ridiculously packed. Didn't mind so much because I had a good drink and was in good company. Mori-kun met us there and we tried to meet our friends at karaoke, but left the bar too late. Instead, we drove around Tochigi in his PT Cruiser and painstakingly conversed, me in my broken Japanese and him in his broken English. Amazingly, our points usually got across unless we simply didn't know how to say what we wanted to say. At that point, we gave up or tried to say what we wanted in another way. It was quite interesting and funny at times, hehe. Would have been great to have our convos recorded. Too bad I forgot my camera tonight.

Finally was able to catch Ryo online. It was nice to tell stories to a friend. I really love my weekends. Wonder what I should do tomorrow...

Happy Easter =)

Haha cool. Daily entries. Probably shows how much I like talking about my days, or just bitching about them, haha. It's not that bad though. Today went a bit better than yesterday. Still sick and still working long hours. I just need to develop some kind of system! On top of that, I need to get familiar with the students and what levels they're on. I think that really hinders me from saving a lot of time lesson planning.

*sigh* Fucking tired, again. I think I wouldn't be so tired if I wasn't so sick. Congestion and high energy classes don't mix. Had my fav for dinner, YOSHINOYA!!! I already collected enough point cards to get the yellow pig collectible strap. I'm going for the blue one now. Only two more cards to collect. Hah, I'm such a dork. Only one lesson to plan left, got the rest under wraps. I think I'll crash out and do that in the morning. Heh, we'll see if I can get up.

Oyasuminasai!

"Off in the distance, the game's riding on. There's strikes on the batter, some runners are on. But suddenly, everyone's looking at me! My mind is wondering, what could it be!? They point to the sky, and I look up above. And a baseball falls into my glove! I play right field, it's important to know. You gotta know how to catch, you gotta know how to throw. That's why I play in right field, way out where the dandelions grow."

If you remember where this is from, then you're gangster in my book. No hints too, you just gotta KNOW. But yeah, today... *sigh* Today was shit. Long ass day with so many classes and to make it all worse, I feel like shit because I'm still sick, thus it affected my teaching and my moods, which in turn affects my students. And to add that extra shitty cherry on top, it's been raining all day. Today makes me appreciate the good days, weather-wise, health-wise and job-wise, the little good days I could've had so far being on the job for only a week. Oh well, can't win 'em all. I honestly felt like that kid in right field, who in his own little dazy world looks up and all of a sudden he has to play some ball. Today kinda ran like that. Was thrown an extra class here, an extra student there, and bam, had to teach 'em. Seriously, It can't run like this forever, and thus is my only consolidation and hope that there will be better days. I pray that I may be shown at least the light at the end of the tunnel. Currently, all I'm seeing is darkness, but in darkness, we learn to appreciate the light.

For lunch today:
Plus cafe - Hamburger steak special with strawberry yogurt dessert
For dinner:
Saizeriya - Italian pizza, minestrone soup and a salad
Also served:
A truly needed bitching session w/Judy during dinner
All you can drink tea! (very much necessary)

Ronnel needs a vacation already, haha. Or to get paid. Payday is not until the 25th. I've been here since the 17th and it feels like I'm working for free! I hate that feeling. It'll be over a month of working before I actually get paid. Can't wait 'til the day I'm more established. I predict: better work days, better health, increased motivation, better Japanese, less headaches, and better lesson plans/executed lessons.

Songs in my head:

"Time... I've been passing time watching trains go by
All of my life
Lying on the sand watching sea birds fly
Wishing there would be someone waiting home for me
Something's telling me it might be you
Yes, it's telling me it might be you
All of my life"

-and-

"If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll love you much better
If ever you're in my arms again
This time I'll hold you forever
This time will never end"

Haha. Not sure why. Maybe for the first one, maybe because I've been feeling like time is such a crazy notion. My 3rd weekend in Utsunomiya just flew by. I know I'm going to have many more to come but, I dunno, it's just crazy how you can things past in a blink of an eye. Feels like just a moment ago, I was anxious for the weekend to get here. Then it was here. And now it's already done! Bleh.

Kinda got sick yesterday and most of today. Spent the majority of the day in bed. If Judy, my co-worker/other foreign teacher/next door neighbor didn't bother to knock on my door and invite me to lunch, I think I would've spent the whole day in bed. And yes, I can actually do that now because I have a bed! It arrived yesterday! I figure, if I'm planning to stay in Japan for the length of time I expect, which is around 2 years, a bed is a fucking good ass investment. Hell, even if I end up staying for only a year. No more futon action for me! I've been waking up cold and with body and back aches. I think the futon is too thin. Nothing makes home like a good ol' bed. So yeah, best 20000 yen I've spent so far, in my opinion. I even got it delivered for free because I bought it last week when they had a no delivery charge special. So maybe this week will be better and I'll be less tired. I gotta keep things to my advantage as best as possible. The weather is not so great. Cold rain and winds are on and off, combined with the long hours I'm spending at work, or doing work related stuff even when not at work is not really advantageous to my health, which is probably why I got sick.

Good thing I'm feeling better because tomorrow starts a new week for me. Kindergarten starts tomorrow too, which meets three times a week. All of my other classes meet only once a week. Teaching is not easy, especially if the students don't speak your native tongue. You have to work at it and come to and understanding by various means, like songs, games, gestures, repetition and pictures. I'm just hoping that 1) my students like me, 2) I get better at doing what I'm doing because I'm going to be doing this for a while, and 3) the weather picks up because all this rain can't be good for me. I've been telling myself, it's only been one fucking week, so stop being a pussy and give it some time. Haha. I definitely am enjoying the challege though. Just gotta keep positive, optimistic, and focused. Things will work out, they usually do.

Went to see the local cherry blossoms yesterday. Judy and her friends took me, who are now my friends too (supposedly, haha). It was perfect timing. I was waiting for my bed to arrive, since I was only given a window, from 9am-2pm. They came around 11:45, right when Judy said her friends were coming over to pick us up. Our group included Eri and Junko, who I met last weekend, Tomo, who drove us in his pimped out Honda Odessey and who I only met that day, and Judy. We then went to a street where the trees were just starting to blossom. SUGOI. Just wonderful. And whenever the wind picked up, some of the Sakura would fall, and it was simply amazing. People were just chilling under the trees with friends and family, just like picnics. There were booths and stands selling food and drinks. We were al hungry though, so we went to get lunch first. Ate at Sakura Cafe nearby. Had some really delicious past, MIITO RAGU. It was ragu meat sauce with noodles. Fairly priced at 1300 yen but was a full lunch set, drinks and dessert. Japan usually has things available with sets. There's your main dish, then u can make it a set for a little bit more, which usually means getting a soup or salad and a drink. Different places, different sets.

Being an american boy, my favorite set is from Lotteria! Lotteria DX ranchi setto (lunch set), which is a DX burger, the biggest burger I've seen so far, fries and a drink. All for under 700 yen. Comes out to around $6. Not a bad lunch especially when you only got an hour to play with.

Anyways, after lunch, went to see some more cherry blossoms at a nearby well known park. Only Eri, Judy and I though. Junko and Tomo had to go to some basketball practice. It was pretty amazing. There were so many people out and about. Families, friends, co-workers, just groups of people everywhere. There were so many food and drink booths setup and it felt like a big festival. Apparently, this goes on EVERY weekend until the cherry blossoms all fall off. Prices were fairly raised, just like attending a sporting event at your local stadium or going to an amusment park. Figures. Still, can't beat having a beer and eating some tasty fried foods or pastries while chillin' with your friends under the spectacle of the Sakura. It's worth it! Just like buying ice cream from the ice cream man. You know you have that frozen shit in the fridge but deep inside you know it just ain't the same, haha.

Mori and Kazuho met up with us later. Mori I met last weekend as well at Lion's head, one of the local pubs in town. Kaz is one of my co-workers. After getting enough of the Sakura and our more than fair shares of grub, we decided to get something hot to drink since the once sunny weather turned cloudy and cold on us. We walked for a while but it wasn't bad because we were in good company. Ended up as some posh cafe called the Indy cafe. The Indy races are in town. Lookin' to check it out possibly next next weekend. I've always wanted to see super fast cars in action. I remember Judy ended up breaking some glass thing while rearranging the tables so we could all sit together. At this time, I was feeling pretty sick but I didn't want to show it, and I'm not one to publicly complain, usually. I remember heading off to the bathroom in some kinda daze. Came back and drank my latte, just listening to everyone converse in Japanese. I sure hope my Japanese gets better...

This past week was draining, but I'm looking forward to this week. I'm not a virgin anymore, in the teaching sense, haha. I've met most of my students and gotten a good feel for how each week is going to be like from here on out. I'm predicting by the time my Golden Week vacation comes around, I'll have a good idea as to how the rest of the YEAR is going to be like. Anxiety. Maybe that's why I haven't been sleeping well.

I can get my alien registration card this Friday, and hopefully finally get a keitai (cell phone) and open up my bank account. Just like at home, I feel so exiled without a keitai. Haha, how I depend on technology. I don't deny it though, I'm a consumer whore. I'm aiming to panda fuck my apartment. After lunch today, found this new store at Parco mall with Judy and bought so much Panda paraphenelia. My plan is to replace all the hand me down shit I received from Kristin, the departed teacher. Don't get me wrong, I was grateful for all that was given to me, but with perfect intention to eventually personalize or replace the items later. After all, this is going to be my home, ne? (Ne is like, right? or isn't it?) The panda things included: a panda towel, pillow, handkerchiefs (which are very necessary b/c usually bathrooms don't have paper towels or air driers), shower rug, and seat cushions for my living room table, which is like 1.5 feet off the ground, making chairs a non-neccesity but seat, more like ground cushions very necessary. They're a big thing here in Japan, obviously, haha. This place (my apt as well as Japan) is slowly starting to feel like home, which I feel is completely necessary if not for my survival here but at least for my own sanity.

In addition, I'm very happy because I can steal bandwith from where my bed is! Before, I had to place my laptop on top of my fridge in the kitchen and stand there while I wanted to use five finger discounted online services. Haha, the things I do to be ghetto and not have to pay for internet. But yeah, it made me lazy to go online for long periods of time. At least now, I can steal wireless bandwidth from the comfort of me own new bed. Muhahahaha. It's not my fault they don't secure their networks. ^_^

Philippines is just around the corner. I'm excited to be going back to the Philippines even though it's just for a short while. I'm more excited that I'm going to be meeting my parents there! The plane ticket was butt expensive but my mom paid for it. I'll never forget what she said, something to the likes of not being able to put a price on the time we'll get to spend together there, especially because it's their first time going back in over a decade. If she said that in the first place, I would've gladly paid for my own ticket, IF I had the money, haha. Bus and plane ticket and all, came out to around 110,000 yen, which sounds like a crazy amount but you gotta remember $1 is roughly 100 yen. Right now I think the exchange rate is around 115 yen to the dollar, so the Japanese yen is not doing so good, which means I don't think I'm going to be sending money home anytime soon. Gotta wait 'til the yen gets stronger again! I think at it's best it was at 103 yen to the dollar, but that was this time last year. Hmmmm, we'll see. Good things my rent is subsidized and my living costs won't vary drastically on me. I should make it just fine financially speaking.

Nice long entry. This would be a good one to read in the future. Time to try to pass out. Probably gonna be hella difficult cuz I've slept all day. Good thing I don't have to work until 11am. Oyasuminasai, bitches! =P

Soo...

I figure now more than even is a great time to restart posting! A whole fucking year later! Haha. Where in the hell did the past year go? Was I THAT consumed? If I was, I'm pissed at myself. Is that why I am where I am right now? I'm in JAPAN!!! Craaaaaaazy! I've only been here for less than a month, but sometimes, I don't believe I'm here... working, living by myself, in my own place, away from everyone I love in a country the I'm a just a visitor in but have to make my home at least for the time that I'm here. Phleck. That was a mouthful. All of a sudden my mouth feels dry. Where's my green tea...

OMG! I get these sudden reality checks outta nowhere. I'm not even sure if that's what they are. More like, sur-reality checks. Haha.

Fuck. Don't even wanna talk about my day. Can't complain yet. It's only my first week. Be strong! Be diligent! Give it some time....

And at the end of the day, I still could go for a beer.

Otsukaresamedesu! Please God tell me that this will have a whole new meaning before my stay here ends. Please God tell me I'm not going to be one of those who dwell on thinking about when their stay is going to end. I'm better than that. I know I am. Telling me may be asking too much. Please help me, is a better request.

*sigh* First heartfelt deep breath in such a long time. And time... what a concept.

"Hai. Otsukaresamadesu, Ronnel-Sensei. Oyasuminasai."

I'm a teacher. Heh. Wooow.